From a Distance

Today is February 8, 2011.  Eight years ago, I married the best man that I know.  Tonight, to celebrate, I took out the garbage and cleaned vomit off my son's comforter (but don't worry, Jonah announced that it was only "half throw-up").  Josh is celebrating by sitting at a bar in Las Vegas, watching his co-workers get tipsy.  So, since I might not speak to him tonight, I thought I'd do what we do these days, in the era of the Facebooks and the Twitters and all that.

Happy Anniversary to the best partner and best friend that a girl could ask for.  In a year that has mostly sucked out our souls, thrown them on the ground, and stomped on them, I'm so glad that I have you by my side.  I literally thank God every day that you decided to agree to date me those many years ago.  I look forward to watching our children grow, watching them start to hate and resent us, then decide that maybe we aren't so bad after all, and especially watching them finally leave the house so that the real fun can begin.

I love you!

Josh's Book Corner

I have been trying to think of some things that I could blog about to increase the frequency of my blogging. There are only so many blogs about my kids I can write, unless you want some photos on Jonah in too short PJs playing the Wii and some witty commentary about how he and I just had a screaming match about how it's not the games fault when he can't fly that stupid bird thing through the ever-closing door in Super Mario Galaxy 2. Because that is usually what is going on at my house. It's not always Diet Coke and trips to the pumpkin patch over here. Ok, let's be honest: it is always Diet Coke.

I tried writing about books once before, but it never really stuck. So, I am stealing this idea from Kacy, who writes one of the funniest blogs on the planet (no pressure.) I'm sure she won't mind. Each month I'll tell you all of the books I read that month. If you click on them and buy them (or anything) from Amazon, I will make like $.00000001! Everyone wins!

Really this started because I was going to write one of those "End of the Year Top 10" lists that everyone seems to do in January - you know Best Movies of 2010, Best TV of 2010, etc. But did you really need another list telling you that I liked Inception and Toy Story 2 and that the best TV was Lost, Mad Men and Community. Don't you already know that? The only place where I felt like I would have anything original to say was my Best Books of 2010 (Hint: It's not Freedom: A Novel. Boring!) And then that seemed kind of daunting. So I decided to do it one month at a time, ala Kacy.

So here we go, in reading order.
 The Imperfectionists by Tom Rachman
4 our of 5 stars (sidenote: I need a better rating system than "stars." Any suggestions?)
This was the January NWBC  (Northwest Book Club - my bookclub with some friends here in the Northwest - Great name, right?!) selection. It is a group of loosely interconnected short stories about the people that work at an English language newspaper in Rome. It had some of the most interesting characters I have read about in a long time, even though most of them were d-bags. (Sorry, mom.) Highly recommended. And the entire book club liked it too, which hardly ever happens.
The Passage by Justin Cronin.
4 out of 5 stars
When is the last time you read a great zombie apocalypse novel? If you ask me that question, I read about one a month. But for your average reader, that may not happen all that often. I guess in this book the zombies are more technically vampires (not the sparkly skinned emo kind, either.) but you know the drill: virus breaks out, widespread carnage and destruction, small pockets of humans survive. This is definitely a page turner and there were a few times when I gasped out loud as I read. Chilling? Yes. Really annoying to my wife when I gasp our loud while laying in bed? Also, yes. It is a bit on the long side and drags here and there, so read it on vacation when you can digest it in large chunks. READ IT!
The Help by Kathryn Stockett
4 out of 5 stars
I know me telling you to read The Help is like me telling you that Lost was the best TV show of 2010. I think everyone has read this and everyone loved it. It was delightful and interesting and frustrating all at once. Slavery and segregation get my goat. What on earth were we (white people) thinking?! Anyway, it is beautifully written and touching. It's a great read.
The Art of Racing in the Rain by a dumb author I don't want to credit
-32 out of 5 stars.
This was the February NWBC selection. For any readers who are in my book club, sorry for not saving it for the club. When I finished this book I literally punched the photo of the author on the dust jacket in the face. It was so stupid. It was a moderately interesting story told from the point of view of the family dog. Have I mentioned that I hate dogs? Wow, was this book dumb. There was a dog pontificating about what it means to have a soul, and then on the next page describing how eating a pepper gave him runny, burning poo. I am not kidding. And then it ended SPOILER with some cheesy people speaking cheesy Italian. I read the last paragraph out loud to Amy so we could laugh at it. A monumental waste of time. Unless you like dogs and spicy poo - then you might love it!
The Dream of Perpetual Motion by Dexter Palmer
3 out of 5 stars
This book vexes me. In some ways it was beautifully written and had some really interesting ideas. In other ways I just didn't really feel myself compelled to read at all. It is only about 300 pages but it took me more than a month to read. It is a steampunk retelling of Shakespeare's The Tempest, kind of. And kind of a love story. I think if you had a lazy Sunday afternoon (do people actually have those?) and could read the whole thing in one sitting it might have been more interesting. It was worth reading, but I can't say that I recommend it, unless Shakespeare and steampunk are your thing.

So that's it. Look for another installment next month of what I read in February. If you want to follow my reading selections MINUTE BY MINUTE click here to be my friend on Goodreads.

Incendiary

Two years ago I wrote an inflammatory post (you may have remember the bloggers and pundits talking about it) that sent waves of discussion through the interwebs. I am about to venture again into the world of polarizing and partisan topics to share my two cents. So if I offend you, I apologize. Here we go.

I hate dogs. Let me be clear from the get go, that if you love dogs, I don't hate you. And I don't hate YOUR dogs. They are lovely. But I hate the dogification of America. When did dogs become so awesome? I missed the memo.

Amy and I have a strict no dog policy at our house. We don't see the point. We have enough poop and vomit to clean up, thank you very much. And enough behavioral and disciplinary issues to choke a doberman. So we don't, nor will we ever, have a dog.

Let me just say again, if you have a dog, that is great for you. We don't think less of you. We don't hate you and we don't think you shouldn't have a dog. You are welcome to all forms of canine companionship. But why is there pressure for us to have one?

POINT ONE: Everyone I work with has 1 million dogs each. At every work function, everyone sits around swapping dog stories and showing pictures of how cute their dogs are. ("Look at this one! Captain Carbunkle is so fat and tired that he is sleeping on my desk! HA!") When they ask me about my dogs, and I tell them I don't have one, they look at me like I am some weird anathema. When I realized how annoyed I was at looking at everyone's pictures of their dogs, I decided to stop voluntarily showing pictures of my children to them. Maybe they are just as bored at seeing pictures of my kids as I am seeing pictures of Sargent Picklesworth. (In my dog hating world, all dogs have funny military names.) If someone asks to see pictures of my kids, I am happy to oblige. But if they don't ask, I keep them to myself. But really, who doesn't want to see this:

or this?

or this?

POINT TWO: Jonah really wants a dog and has been wanting one since he was about 2. At his second birthday my parents bought him a little battery operated yippy dog to try and fill the void in his heart. But Amy and I have been very clear that he will never get a dog. (see: above.) He knows that he can have a dog when he has his own home. But when I tell people that, they look at me like I have told them that Jonah really wants FOOD and we refuse to give it to him. They also say things like "Oh, I am sure you will get him one someday." Like the idea of living in a world where parents won't buy their children puppies is a world they want no part of. But read my lips - WE WILL NEVER GET A DOG! I am sure some of you are reading this now and thinking, "Won't it be funny when they DO get a dog and we can remind them of this post?!" No, it won't be funny. Because it won't happen. Jonah will survive. And if he really wants a dog when he is older, he is welcome to. But he can't bring it to our house. And Amy and I won't visit. I'm kidding. But he really can't bring it to our house.

POINT THREE: I don't want to make accommodations for your dog. I don't want to listen to your dog bark on the plane because you have him in a carry on. Leave General Tsu-Tsu home! Here is a real life example. I was out working in the yard today while Jonah and Lila were playing in the garage. I looked up and saw the neighbor's dog running down the street - a youngish whatever-those-generic-yellow-dogs are called. It was obviously a puppy, but was still pretty big. The owner was chasing him to catch him. He sort of ran around me for a second and then ran towards the kids. Lila was super excited (for the record, Jonah was terrified.) and jumped up to see him. Then he jumped on her, pushed her to the ground and started licking her face. Clearly he wasn't trying to be mean - he was a puppy and was playing. But she was terrified and screaming. I ran up and pushed him out of the way and picked her up. She was sobbing. The owner ran up and sort of laughed "Oh, sorry!" she said half-heartedly "He's just so playful! Does she want to pet him?" She seemed sort of apologetic but not really. Like, wasn't that cute how my giant dog just terrorized your toddler? If my dog (note: I won't EVER own one) pinned someone's toddler to the ground, I would be mortified. I would be groveling with apologies, not pushing the dog towards the terrified girl to see if she wanted to pet him. So I found myself trying to make the owner feel better. "Oh don't worry about it. I know he didn't mean to hurt her. She's just scared," I kept hearing myself saying even though I wanted to say "Keep your damn dog under control!"
FYI: Lila is totally fine, both physically and psychologically. All night long she was talking about the "foof foof." I'm not mad at the dog...just mad at the laissez-faire attitude of the owner.

POINT FOUR: Your dog is not your child, so please don't tell me he is. I know you love Brigadier Twinklepoop. I know you love her a lot. But I refuse to accept that you love her as much as I love my children. And raising children is not the same as raising dogs, so don't compare them. I think it is insulting. I think it has become cute in our society to say that we have our little four-legged children, but they are dogs. And as cute and as lovely as they are, they are not children. So please stop.

So, I am off my soapbox. I hope you don't hate me. Again, I still love you, and I am happy your dog makes you happy. Just don't ask me to pet Lieutenant Kibble. I just don't want to, and I never will.

2010 Giant Year-End Wrap-up

I just want to say from the get-go that even though this post says it is written by Amy, it was really written by Josh. I don't want you to get us confused or anything.

Secondly, I would like to add that we are sorry. I don't know what happened. Maybe the holidays happened, maybe having a special needs child happened and maybe us just being flat up lazy happened. We don't want to be those people who just write a blog once a quarter. So we are sorry. So I am proposing this "contest." Stop right there if you think I am about to tell you about a prize we are giving away. There are no prizes on this blog. I am not Design Mom. But here is what I will do: For every comment made on this post by a different person, I will write one blog entry between now and the end of February. If none of you comment, I still may write a post. And it 74 of you comment, I will write 74 posts. I can't promise they will be good, but they will be there. It's like our own little kickstarter, right here on the blog. But instead of giving me money, you just have to comment. (Note: Monetary donations are still accepted.)

So if you don't want to see 1 million pictures of our kids - skip ahead. The last time we wrote anything was at the beginning of October, which means we have a lot of holidays to cover.

I love Octobers in Oregon. Doesn't this picture look like it is from a postcard?! Except maybe for the under-paid migrant workers unloading the pumpkin truck? Like all good hipster families, we have fallen for the hype of going to pick our pumpkins at a pumpkin patch instead of getting them at Albertsons. What I love about the pumpkin patch that we go to is that really they have already picked all the pumpkins and they are just sitting out in a big field - it's not like we are picking them off the vine, but somehow we feel connected to our agri-roots.

When we got home, the kids freaked out about the gross innards of the pumpkins, leaving me to do all of the gutting. When I was a kid, if you wanted to boob about your pumpkin guts being slimy, you didn't get a pumpkin. Somehow my kids are wannies, and somehow I am a pushover.

This year instead of going to the super-ghetto Halloween Carnival at Jonah's kinda-ghetto school, we decided to try the Halloween carnival at our gym. Something felt right about eating doughnuts and jolly ranchers while people above me were running on treadmills. Jonah was a lovely skeleton,

Noel was Darth Vader. This was a huge victory. Last year he put on a pirate hat literally 30 seconds before we left to go trick or treating.

And Lila was a super cute cheerleader. She is really a super cute anything, but I like that she is on Team Daddy. Amy and I do like to pit her against one another. We are always asking who she loves more. For the record: usually it is me.

Here we are on a nature walk with Jonah and a giant leaf. You know us; we are always hiking and walking and exploring nature.

For some reason on this walk, any time the camera pointed at Lila, she would do some super odd pose. Sometimes she would kneel in the leaves and sometimes she would just hold her head in this weird way. Oh well, she is still cute.

Look how cute those two are? Really...I am a lucky man.

October was over. November came, blah blah blah. We had Thanksgiving. It is a quiet affair at our house. Just me cooking 1 MILLION THINGS all by myself and then eating. Here was dinner:

Roast Turkey. Cranberry Sauce. Mashed Potates and Good Grave. Green Been Casserole (ala Trader Joes.) Roasted Asparagus. Roasted Brussel Sprouts with Pomegranate and Vanilla Butter. Homemade Rolls. In case you are wondering, it was delicious. Except for the brussel sprouts. They sucked. Thanks, Flay! (Let's be honest - it was probably my fault.)

December - time to get the tree. Luckily, we grow Christmas trees in Oregon, so we cut our own. This tree took us about 30 seconds to find and it was pretty much the most beautiful, most fragrant tree ever grown. It was perfect. I have no idea what is going on with my face here.

Yeah, I can drag a tree. I'll admit - I don't know why this picture was included. Since Amy was the one who started this post, she picked the photos.

This is about as good as it gets when you try and get all three of my kids to pose together. They are pretty cute...

Our kids insist each year that we do a gingerbread house. And it doesn't help when you can buy the whole pre-assembled house from Costco for like $9. But here's the thing - gingerbread house are really gross. Who wants some food item sitting out on your counter for 1 month getting dusty and sticky and scary. Why is that festive?

Lila was in a particularly willful mood the morning we tried to take cute pictures of the kids in their Christmas clothes. She screamed and yelled every time we tried to get her to look at the camera. Luckily we got this charming shot that looks like she is gazing at the Christmas tree as Christmas dreams and wishes run through her head. I am sure if this photo had a sound track, it would be of Lila screaming "NOOOOO!!!" at the top of her lungs. Let's just believe in the magic.

Jonah has been taking violin lessons lately from a friend of ours in the ward. He is pretty cute about it, even though he gets grumpy when he has to practice. No worries - we follow the Tiger Mother's philosophy when it comes to practicing. We know Jonah doesn't want to practice. But who cares. He is 6. He doesn't get to decide to do what he wants.

Amy had a piano recital scheduled for her Piano Studio, so we decided to lump Jonah in and have him play the violin. He seemed to do great - at least, the video Amy managed to shoot looked that way. I was dragging my screaming 4-year old out to the car to eat a donut and watch Elmo videos. Asperger's + sitting quietly while a bunch of people play the piano = meltdown.

That apron really flatters my figure. This is us making Santa's Christmas cookies.

Christmas Eve was very much as Norman Rockwell envisioned it. All of the children cuddled on the couch and shared their testimony of Jesus. Or, Jonah read the Luke 2 account while Lila and Noel screamed and hit each other.

Lila liked to be a terrorist and take over the whole nativity. No one was placing ANY shepherds in that stable without her say so. I am pretty sure that she was the one that added the zombie and dinosaur to the nativity a few weeks ago.

They finally settled down for some story books with Mom. (I think we had already put Lila to bed at this point, which always makes accomplishing anything 100 times simpler.)

The next morning was fun and chaos. Jonah's favorite present was this stuffed Kirby that Santa got REALLY last minute for like $8...why do kids always love the most random gifts the most, and are somewhat unimpressed with the gifts that you spent a lot of time thinking about and planning?

Noel got a camera that connects to his leapster - it is quite cute. When he uses it he likes to say the types of nerdy things that apparently I say when I am videoing things, trying to get people to narrate what is going on. "So, Dad, where are we now? What are we doing here?" Do I really sound that nerdy?

Lila was a cute stinker - and Amy was thrilled to get to finally buy some girl toys. Like a tea set (but don't worry - we call it a hot chocolate set because we live the Word of Wisdom! That's a lie. We call it a tea set. But we do live the Word of Wisdom.) Here she is opening Sing-A-Ma-Jig. Have you seen these things? They are messed up crazy creepy. And delightful.

Phew - are you bored yet? That was a lot of catching up. Don't forget - leave your comments to force me to write more blogs between now and the end of February! Or don't...maybe no one reads this anymore since we haven't updated since October and you probably forgot your password. Time will tell.