A Fair Trade

Amy and the kids on her birthday

I am not good about talking about my spirituality, let alone BLOGGING about it. In some ways a blog seems like the worst possible place to discuss matters of the spirit. But I also think of this blog as some sort of a public journal, and if this were a real journal, I would write about the gospel and my testimony and all that. Lately, I have been thinking a lot about the post that Amy wrote about Noel's asperger's. Everyone around us has been wonderful and has been asking how we are and how Noel is and how we are coping. And truthfully, we are good. Noel is amazing and funny and lovely and charming. And he can be really challenging and exhausting and tricky. I know Noel will read this some day, and I know that my other kids will read it too, and I want to make sure that I am really clear that Noel is a gift and I would never want him to be anyone other than who he is. We are plugging along day by day. Some days are obviously better than others, but every day we figure out a little bit more of how to help Noel exist in his world. Social Stories and schedules and tag-team parenting are parts of our every day lives.

The thing about parenting a kid with special needs is that your need for patience is greatly elevated. And as a parent I have about as much patience as a.....person with very little patience (I envisioned a really funny "person without patience metaphor" here but I'm drawing a blank.) I have a pretty short fuse when it comes with the kids. But when your son has asperger's, you have to change the way that you react to meltdowns. First of all, there is no teaching or reasoning during a meltdown. There is no point in saying "You lost that toy because you hit your brother." Or, "If you don't calm down we don't get to go to the park." If you say that to your son with asperger's, he doesn't hear any of that. He doesn't see the cause and effect. All that he hears is "You don't get to go to the park." And then the meltdown escalates. All you can do is be patient, and speak calmly and redirect and try to bring him back...then start to reason.

And that is not easy for me to do. I  can be a bit stubborn and prideful. And what this whole experience with asperger's is teaching me is that I can't do it alone. Amy and I talk a lot more than we ever have. We've always communicated well, but now I think it is more in depth. We have to talk strategy and what works and what to try next time. She's amazing, as you know, and I could never get through this without her.

And I have learned that I can't do this without God. See, I don't think I am a bad person. I rarely murder anymore, and my drinking and carousing days are long behind me. But I can be pretty lazy about the gospel. It is far too easy for me to be too tired to pray one night. Or talk myself into skipping scripture study because I left my scriptures downstairs. But what I am learning is that I need every power on earth and Heaven to know how to be a good and patient dad. And sure enough on the days that I am lazy, and lose the focus on the spirit a bit, those are the days that I am short-fused and yell when I shouldn't.

Remember how God puts things in our lives to smooth out the rough parts of our souls? I have definitely had some rough patches smoothed lately. I am not arrogant enough to think that the reason that Noel has asperger's is to make me a better person. That would be ridiculous, and insulting to the amazing and funny and lovely and smart boy that Noel is. But I think that God knew that we would be a good match for each other. He would teach me things about myself and make me a better person, and I would let him play my iPad. We compliment each other that way.