Oh, Pioneer!

How did people raise kids before there was such a thing as Tivo? And how do the 93% of American's who currently don't have Tivo raise their children? I just don't get it. When you want to take a shower, do you just flip it to PBS and hope something entertaining is on and not "The Galloping Gourmet?" Or do you just shower while the kids stand in the bathroom and stare at you?

I have some rules about the shows my kids watch, at least while I am at home. Amy is a little more forgiving, probably because she is with them much longer than me, so needs more options. My rules are not based around the psychological or emotional development of the children. They are based around what bugs me.


1. No over-acting children: This basically eliminates any show with live children, but particularly "Barney and Friends." Why do those kids have to shrug after everything to say, and why do they always have to pee? Turn on "Barney and Friends" for two minutes and you will see that all of the kids are constantly swaying back and forth doing the pee-pee dance and shrugging their shoulders.

2. No singing and dancing adults: See you later, "The Wiggles" and "The Doodlebops."



3. No annoying "catch-phrases." I'm looking your way, Lofty from Bob the Builder.Every time he says "Yeah, I think so" a part of me dies.

Truthfully, my kids watch all of these shows. But they also like shows that I think are funny and clever and entertaining. Have you seen "The Wonderpets?" It's all set to classical music and has a Turtle, a Hamster and a Duck (or according to Jonah an alligator, a lion and a quack-quack) that go on missions to save other animals. Cute and when it is on, you just hear a lot of nice classical music playing.

A personal fave of mine is "The Backyardigans." Its a bunch of animals that play pretend in their backyard and have adventures. They also sing and dance like a boy band. It always makes me laugh because on Nick, Jr. before each show it tells you what valuable lessons that show teaches kids. Like "Blue's Clues" teaches problem solving. Or "Barney and Friends" teaches good manners. Well, "The Backyadigans" is encouraged because it teaches choreography. What a priceless lesson for my little ones. The other reason that we love "The Backyardigans" is because when we asked Jonah what he called his Nursery Teacher (Do you call her Sister? Or Ma'am?) he told us he called her Uniqua, which is the name of the Pink Hippo on "The Backyardigans."

Jonah thinks the greatest show on earth is "Higglytown Heroes." He watches every episode several times in the course of a day. I used to find it rather creepy, because the characters, for some reason, are all Russian nesting dolls and will occasionally hop inside one another, or pull a surfboard of something out of their middle. What kind of society is that, where if you are smaller than someone, you can just jump inside of them if you are scared or trying to hide? Just because I am tall, suddenly I am a vessel for other people to ride around inside of? What if I forget someone is in there and the then they pop out when I am showering or something? It's too messed up, but it is also a show for 4 year olds, so maybe I am overthinking it a bit. It also stars Edie McClurg as Fran the Squirrel (she played Mrs. Poole on "The Hogan Family" and a receptionist on a particular disturbing episode of CSI delivering the immortal line, "Are you a drinker, or a stinker?") and a host of other guest stars like Rocco DiSpirito as the Baker and Wilmer Valderama as Helicopter Pilot.

The greatest of all, in my book, is "Sesame Street." Not only does it teach a lot (I don't think Jonah would be able to count to 20 without the help of the count) but it is funny and not annoying and very relevant. And I watched it as a kid, which I think makes it extra great. By the way, if you haven't tuned in for a while, just be warned. Mr Hooper is dead and his store is now run by a (gay?) Asian man named Allen, Gordon's wife has completely disappeared (was she killed?) and Bob, who used to seem so young and vibrant, is now 118 years old. But he still sings "Who are the people in your neighborhood" with vigor and verve.